Being Not Okay Sometimes, Is Okay.

I have never been one to really open up about what I'm feeling my whole life. I've always felt this burden on bringing my unhappiness into the conversation, for the risk of making others unhappy. Hiding pain has just been something I’ve taught myself over time. I only ever find myself opening up when it's forced on me, or I’ve kept it in so long that I finally just break. And recently, I’ve been breaking a lot.

2020 has been a wild year for everyone.. especially me. The last few months of 2019 ended on probably one of the happiest mental states of my life. Solid friend group, boyfriend, no drama- it was amazing. But then 2020 rolled around, and it all changed. My friend group started growing apart, the boyfriend and I broke up, the drama started forming, family issues started, school got stressful, and I didn't really know how to handle it. It felt like my happy little bubble had just popped, and all the sticky mess was leftover on the floor. That's when I kind of shut down. I’m normally a pretty peppy, happy person, and then one day I wasn't anymore. I was so empty inside and I was completely blind to it. I didn't even know I wasn't acting like myself. I was completely oblivious. Then one of my best friends asked me "Are you okay? You've seemed off lately." After that, I genuinely stopped and asked myself, "Am I okay?"

I've always disliked fake people, but I was being fake. I woke up every morning to put on this spurious happy face, while secretly hiding my internal pain. I felt like I couldn't express my sadness... or not with anyone looking at least. I couldn't beat my own issues, so instead I pushed everything away. Looking back on it now, it makes me really mad. I wish I could've just told someone, anyone, what was going on, but it felt like I had lost everyone. Like I was completely alone. Then what I thought would be a curse was truly a blessing struck on me. Quarantine (Just FYI; take into fact, that COVID-19 is very serious, and people are dying every day. Please wear your masks and stay in small groups). Quarantine was a unquestionably needed reset for me. I took time to really focus on myself, and what I want for the future. I re-taught myself to be happy. I got to travel with my family and close family friends to Colorado, New Mexico, Utah and more which is always my favorite part of the year. Being away from home for so long, I focused on all the things that make me truly happy. Family, friends, travel, and more.

Now that I am home, I'm working to rebuild with all the people I've pushed away. I've been very lucky to see all my friends that I haven't seen in 5+ months due to COVID, and that I got a break from everything. I am back and ready to be that happy, bubbly girl I was in 2019 again.

And to everyone reading this: know that every day isn't sunshine and rainbows. Recovering from a depression episode takes time and dedication. Wake up every morning and tell yourself it's going to be a good day. Repeating that to myself eventually made it a reality. Know that it's totally normal to be sad sometimes and that it happens to everyone. Every human feels pain, but every human also feels happiness. You got this. I believe in you, and others do too.

Thank you so much for the constant love and support. It makes me happy knowing I can bring you some joy every week. Love y'all. <3